Book Reviews

Review Criteria

1 Star - Using mainly cats, I carefully weigh the mass of the kindle version of the book against that of a toaster. Books that fail to provide satisfactory results end up here.

2 Star - Exactly five hours after reading the last sentence of this book (I may have skipped to it), I open it to a random page and pick the thirty-second word I see. Results follow as you might expect.

3 Star - I place the book in front of a Eurasian eagle owl and wait. Once the bird has grown accustom to the presence of the book, I quickly take it away. The bird must then turn its head counterclockwise.

4 Star - I begin by handcrafting a jar of red clay and placing a small pumpkin within it. After reading a choice selection of memorable lines from this book aloud to the pumpkin, I seal the jar and store it in a warm, dry location. After three days, I smash the jar and measure the electrical activity across the pumpkin's surface. It must appear as though the pumpkin is surprised but contemplative.

5 Star - I take the wedge product of the number of words in the books against my feelings about it, as interpreted through a series of coin flips. The result (real or imaginary) must be a transcendental number.